Metamorphose

I couldn't even fucking finish a 21 day challenge lmao... mind ya business.  When things get too boring or way too real. I run. As far and as fast as I can.  I lose interest or become actively avoidant. or both.  I love to write and I'm in this mental space where obligation is terrifying. So lets keep it regular shmegular degular ya feel me.  I love you.  You are amazing. You are supportive. You are worthy. You are light. See you soon. 

Day 10 What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Before I answer this question, Consistency is major keys and clearly i lack that key. But lets not dwell,its not how the individual starts its how they finish right? I've not done many outrageous things in my opinion. I wish i have done more.... I went and cut most  of my hair off at 15...I've frolicked on the beach in my underwear. I've fallen in love. That's pretty wild sh*t to my boring ass.  See you soon! 

Day 9 Your favorite songs? Write some of the lyrics. If This World Were Mine X Luther Vandross x Cheryl Lynn  I'd give your each day so sunny and blue And if you wanted the moonlight I'd give you that too If this world were mine, oh, baby I'd give you anything Unforgettable X Kerwin Du Bois x Patrice Roberts And this is my thanks For everything you do  I appreciate it  Highly highly rate it Ah say thanks - for all the memories  That we created Jamming on the road Hold Up X Beyonce How did it come down to this? Scrolling through your call list I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'm a fuck me up a bitch Know that I kept it sexy, and know I kept it fun There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one

Day 8 What thoughts do you think that are toxic? Regret is the one thing that I seem to always let get the best of me. The actually act doesn't bother me much. Its the lesson that eats me up and chews me out. I find that my most toxic thoughts have to do with me some how knowing the outcome of things, being disappointed in myself for no reason at all. This craving for control causes me to beat myself up constantly.  What is the damage of these toxic thoughts? I Think that I am so comfortable being disappointed in myself because it is impossible to control and know everything. This disappointment leads to dark places. There are not many things that can make me more sad than getting stuck in my own head. The toxicity I sometimes feel inside starts to leak into all the things I do and say until it seems like I have my own damn cloud following me. The only way I ever know that I am under cloud is when I start to miss the sun by then I've probably already isolated myself

Day 6 When did you feel truly independent for the first time? My senior year in college Les and I moved off campus into this fucking rinky dink apartment. It was all that I could afford out of pocket by myself for the summer. I didn't get a refund check until September. At that point, my mom absolutely could not afford to give me money while I was away at school. In an attempt to make my life easier in the long run and sacrifice temporarily I convinced Les to go with me into this shack. I think that I didn't explain how much help I wasn't getting to Les properly but she still rolled with the punches. Anyway that summer, I worked at Best Buy 40+ hours a week and barely made ends meet. I lived off of Burger King rodeo burgers and discounted candy from Best Buy. Safe to say that the summer  was terrible and I also went on a break w my long time boyfriend at the time. I was exhausted constantly but happy, alone and on my own. When school started things got a bit easie

Day 5 Is there anything you feel guilty about? Is there anything you need to be forgiven for? I am so selfish these days. I am selfish with my time, my energy, my emotions, my money, my love. Everyone tells me its okay because i am in my twenties but it feels shitty. Im happy and growing and investing all of these things into myself but i am so terrified that my selfishness is going to lead me into shitty personhood. on the other hand Im at peace. I want to be present for those that I love but I also want to continue to mind my damn business. Its a double edged sword. I choose me, ultimately. I also kinda hope i never stop feeling guilty about it. I think it keeps me grounded. I would like to be forgiven by anyone who loved me that i have taken advantage of. Before i found peace i would try and take other people's not knowing that it was something only i could create for myself. I would unknowingly go after their light and their essence by being an over all shitty

Day 4     Dear Nik,        It weighs on me that I never told you Thank you. Ive forgotten to show thanks and appreciation for all those times that you thought that Life was throwing you too much and you still got it together and handled it anyway. God gave you strength and you learned how to wield it. No instructions, you just got shit done. It's not habit for you to take the credit or to scream from the roof top when you do something awesome. But you should. I'm sorry that you didn't celebrate all of your wins and accomplishments. I instead had you label them as doing what your supposed to do and thats not fair. You deserve all the praise and all of the celebration because you are truly the shit. Now i know how to appreciate you and i promise to never forget again.       With love and light,         Nik  This is an amazing lesson in forgiveness.I think that i will keep this exercise in my book to relieve personal guilt and obligation to all the thing

Day 3 Write about your first week in college. The experience I had at My Alma Mater SUNY University At Albany  has helped shape the adult and professional I am today. LIT LIT LIT LIT, would be four words to describe my college career but especially my freshman year. In order to not incriminate my 18 year old self Ummm... this question, uhhhh...  I moved in with my Child hood best friend and I met some great people. I am super quiet around people I don't know so, I scoped the scene as Les was her usually social self. I got to school that Thursday and didn't get a good nights sleep until about Tuesday. Events, parties, friend circles and stere otypical college shit. It literally could've been in a movie on like MTV. A more in depth look into my first week is as show below.  There was alot of...  And... And "Hey Girl! Im over in Seneca 206, Come by anytime"... And Upper Class Guys like.. And Upper Class Girls like...

Day 2 What qualities do you want in a romantic partner?   Romantic partner is such a broad term. There's really levels to this shit. I do believe that I'm ready to stay low and build with the right man. Let's also be honest this answer can change next week because I don't think I'll know what I want until I find it. I would like him to be easy to talk. I want him to be easy going to a degree but assertive enough to tell me when to shut up. I want him to be strong, physically and emotionally but not hard. I want him to be considerate and selfless but not easily manipulated. I want him to be smart but not obnoxious or condescending. I want him to be in tune with himself in all ways spiritually, sexually and emotionally. There's so many more things but that's most of the basics. And let me not front like I don't want him to be tall, dark and handsome, hung like a race horse and have a libido like a porn star . LMFAO   What are the top ten ch

Day 1 How comfortable are you in your own skin? My body has changed SO MUCH in the last 5 years. If we're talking about literal skin like the largest organ on the human body, I don't think I am all the way comfortable. My body feels like it's in constant evolution. Big, small, skinny, strong, curvy, curvier, the cycle never fucking ends. There are things in and out of my control like stress and endometriosis responsible for these changes. As well as my skin not even feeling like mine sometimes because of them. But if we're talking about skin figuratively I have never in my entire life felt so much like myself. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am SOOO comfortable with all of it. It's amazing. I love who I am, who I will be and who I am not.   When are you comfortable? When are you   not  comfortable? I am comfortable in my skin most of the time ironically at my heaviest weight in my entire life. I feel the sexiest I 've  ever felt. And I think that has

21 Days Lately, I have had so much and nothing at all to say. Feeling everything and nothing has been exhausting, anxiety provoking and legitimately concerning. So in order to focus my shit and get my energies in order, I'm going to try and publicly challenge myself to 21 Days of Soul Writing .   Of all things I could do to let off some steam, Why soul writing you ask? Ive journaled and wrote poetry through some of the most difficult times of my life. No, things are not difficult in a tangible sense but I yearn to touch my soul.  Writing has always been a private place of discovery, discomfort and reflection for me. As I've gotten older I've gotten further away from it and now here we are. Isn't it ironic that we look for parts of ourselves when things get confusing that we thought we would never need again. It's like this life shit comes with a toolbox and we fill it with shit we find useful as we go. Some of them good, others not so great. But we always

I have been struggling with Materialism lately.   The more accomplishments I acquire the more stuff I need and the more stuff I want.I think that it relates more to me being able to have something tangible to show for my hard work. But let’s be real you can Achieve a whole hell of a lot of things, and acquire a whole lot more and still be a shitty person.  I have been on this quest for new experiences. This has turned me into a poor wanderlust and a bit of an escapist...Which I think is better than being a hoarder. If I’m going to be broke, I’m damn sure going to make some memories and try my hardest to not be shitty in the process.  For a short time, I told myself that I would try something new once a month for every month that I could afford it and somehow it got away from me and I've been shopping instead. I LOVE to shop but I have to make sure my soul is full too, Not just my closet.  This journey is for me and can only be done by me. It doesn't fe

Birthdays have always been weird for me.  In the way that most people view New Year's Eve. I look at the blessing of the opportunity to enter another year of life as a time of transformation. Born again to fulfill my destiny. The days before a birthday are usually filled with many questions. I scrutinize my life and look at all that I didn't do with the year my God granted me. This usually leaves me feeling shitty, negative and lacking gratefulness.  I've even felt like there wasn't much for me to celebrate.Thankfully, my friends and family never let me wallow in self pity.  This year there was no darkness and  I feel different. I feel like I've been gifted with another year to be trill as fuck. I'm in perpetual motion .  All of my goals are in progress and the closer I get to them the goals are continuously changing. This seems like it should feel frustrating but it's not. I feel lost, found and happily wander

I been gone for a minute but now I'm back with the jump off... Spread Love that's what a real MOB do! Keep it gangsta look out for ya people!  But no really, I haven't posted in a long ass time. There has been a lot that's happened. & as a result I have had to take a moment, Surround myself with love and create a concise plan of attack on how I am really really going to take care of my body and spirit amidst this life shit.  One of my mother's VERY close friend passed recently. & bearing witness to this amazing woman's life at a distance really put my own mortality into perspective. In the end, we are only as much and as little as the Love we gave to those left on this earth. Ms. Antoinette gave herself to her loved ones relentlessly. That takes a certain kind of bravery to do but also extreme levels of sacrifice. This woman was amazing! God called her home and so she went. Thinking on the wonderful Brown women in my life that

When's the last time you took a second and thought to yourself  "I’m really doing my thing!" without a prompt from another person? Saying this to myself at least once a day with out a reminder from someone else has truly changed the way I think about myself and my life.  There are   so many things   on my spirit regarding   Adequacy   and   Comparison. I've decided enough is enough. I am looking forward to a time in my life where I'm completely content and fulfilled. When will that  happen, I don't know but I refuse to make myself feel like shit in the process.  Gratitude Though I may not be where I want to be in a few aspects of my life, asking myself what I can be grateful for   RIGHT NOW   in THIS moment has been life altering!  Forward thinking is an amazing skill but I have learned that by living solely for the future I have lost many moments in the present by dwelling on what needs to be done. I have to practice gratitude at all times