Metamorphose

Day 8 What thoughts do you think that are toxic? Regret is the one thing that I seem to always let get the best of me. The actually act doesn't bother me much. Its the lesson that eats me up and chews me out. I find that my most toxic thoughts have to do with me some how knowing the outcome of things, being disappointed in myself for no reason at all. This craving for control causes me to beat myself up constantly.  What is the damage of these toxic thoughts? I Think that I am so comfortable being disappointed in myself because it is impossible to control and know everything. This disappointment leads to dark places. There are not many things that can make me more sad than getting stuck in my own head. The toxicity I sometimes feel inside starts to leak into all the things I do and say until it seems like I have my own damn cloud following me. The only way I ever know that I am under cloud is when I start to miss the sun by then I've probably already isolated myself

Day 6 When did you feel truly independent for the first time? My senior year in college Les and I moved off campus into this fucking rinky dink apartment. It was all that I could afford out of pocket by myself for the summer. I didn't get a refund check until September. At that point, my mom absolutely could not afford to give me money while I was away at school. In an attempt to make my life easier in the long run and sacrifice temporarily I convinced Les to go with me into this shack. I think that I didn't explain how much help I wasn't getting to Les properly but she still rolled with the punches. Anyway that summer, I worked at Best Buy 40+ hours a week and barely made ends meet. I lived off of Burger King rodeo burgers and discounted candy from Best Buy. Safe to say that the summer  was terrible and I also went on a break w my long time boyfriend at the time. I was exhausted constantly but happy, alone and on my own. When school started things got a bit easie

Day 5 Is there anything you feel guilty about? Is there anything you need to be forgiven for? I am so selfish these days. I am selfish with my time, my energy, my emotions, my money, my love. Everyone tells me its okay because i am in my twenties but it feels shitty. Im happy and growing and investing all of these things into myself but i am so terrified that my selfishness is going to lead me into shitty personhood. on the other hand Im at peace. I want to be present for those that I love but I also want to continue to mind my damn business. Its a double edged sword. I choose me, ultimately. I also kinda hope i never stop feeling guilty about it. I think it keeps me grounded. I would like to be forgiven by anyone who loved me that i have taken advantage of. Before i found peace i would try and take other people's not knowing that it was something only i could create for myself. I would unknowingly go after their light and their essence by being an over all shitty

Day 4     Dear Nik,        It weighs on me that I never told you Thank you. Ive forgotten to show thanks and appreciation for all those times that you thought that Life was throwing you too much and you still got it together and handled it anyway. God gave you strength and you learned how to wield it. No instructions, you just got shit done. It's not habit for you to take the credit or to scream from the roof top when you do something awesome. But you should. I'm sorry that you didn't celebrate all of your wins and accomplishments. I instead had you label them as doing what your supposed to do and thats not fair. You deserve all the praise and all of the celebration because you are truly the shit. Now i know how to appreciate you and i promise to never forget again.       With love and light,         Nik  This is an amazing lesson in forgiveness.I think that i will keep this exercise in my book to relieve personal guilt and obligation to all the thing

Day 3 Write about your first week in college. The experience I had at My Alma Mater SUNY University At Albany  has helped shape the adult and professional I am today. LIT LIT LIT LIT, would be four words to describe my college career but especially my freshman year. In order to not incriminate my 18 year old self Ummm... this question, uhhhh...  I moved in with my Child hood best friend and I met some great people. I am super quiet around people I don't know so, I scoped the scene as Les was her usually social self. I got to school that Thursday and didn't get a good nights sleep until about Tuesday. Events, parties, friend circles and stere otypical college shit. It literally could've been in a movie on like MTV. A more in depth look into my first week is as show below.  There was alot of...  And... And "Hey Girl! Im over in Seneca 206, Come by anytime"... And Upper Class Guys like.. And Upper Class Girls like...

Day 2 What qualities do you want in a romantic partner?   Romantic partner is such a broad term. There's really levels to this shit. I do believe that I'm ready to stay low and build with the right man. Let's also be honest this answer can change next week because I don't think I'll know what I want until I find it. I would like him to be easy to talk. I want him to be easy going to a degree but assertive enough to tell me when to shut up. I want him to be strong, physically and emotionally but not hard. I want him to be considerate and selfless but not easily manipulated. I want him to be smart but not obnoxious or condescending. I want him to be in tune with himself in all ways spiritually, sexually and emotionally. There's so many more things but that's most of the basics. And let me not front like I don't want him to be tall, dark and handsome, hung like a race horse and have a libido like a porn star . LMFAO   What are the top ten ch

Day 1 How comfortable are you in your own skin? My body has changed SO MUCH in the last 5 years. If we're talking about literal skin like the largest organ on the human body, I don't think I am all the way comfortable. My body feels like it's in constant evolution. Big, small, skinny, strong, curvy, curvier, the cycle never fucking ends. There are things in and out of my control like stress and endometriosis responsible for these changes. As well as my skin not even feeling like mine sometimes because of them. But if we're talking about skin figuratively I have never in my entire life felt so much like myself. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am SOOO comfortable with all of it. It's amazing. I love who I am, who I will be and who I am not.   When are you comfortable? When are you   not  comfortable? I am comfortable in my skin most of the time ironically at my heaviest weight in my entire life. I feel the sexiest I 've  ever felt. And I think that has

21 Days Lately, I have had so much and nothing at all to say. Feeling everything and nothing has been exhausting, anxiety provoking and legitimately concerning. So in order to focus my shit and get my energies in order, I'm going to try and publicly challenge myself to 21 Days of Soul Writing .   Of all things I could do to let off some steam, Why soul writing you ask? Ive journaled and wrote poetry through some of the most difficult times of my life. No, things are not difficult in a tangible sense but I yearn to touch my soul.  Writing has always been a private place of discovery, discomfort and reflection for me. As I've gotten older I've gotten further away from it and now here we are. Isn't it ironic that we look for parts of ourselves when things get confusing that we thought we would never need again. It's like this life shit comes with a toolbox and we fill it with shit we find useful as we go. Some of them good, others not so great. But we always