Metamorphose

I couldn't even fucking finish a 21 day challenge lmao... mind ya business.  When things get too boring or way too real. I run. As far and as fast as I can.  I lose interest or become actively avoidant. or both.  I love to write and I'm in this mental space where obligation is terrifying. So lets keep it regular shmegular degular ya feel me.  I love you.  You are amazing. You are supportive. You are worthy. You are light. See you soon. 

Day 10 What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Before I answer this question, Consistency is major keys and clearly i lack that key. But lets not dwell,its not how the individual starts its how they finish right? I've not done many outrageous things in my opinion. I wish i have done more.... I went and cut most  of my hair off at 15...I've frolicked on the beach in my underwear. I've fallen in love. That's pretty wild sh*t to my boring ass.  See you soon! 

Day 9 Your favorite songs? Write some of the lyrics. If This World Were Mine X Luther Vandross x Cheryl Lynn  I'd give your each day so sunny and blue And if you wanted the moonlight I'd give you that too If this world were mine, oh, baby I'd give you anything Unforgettable X Kerwin Du Bois x Patrice Roberts And this is my thanks For everything you do  I appreciate it  Highly highly rate it Ah say thanks - for all the memories  That we created Jamming on the road Hold Up X Beyonce How did it come down to this? Scrolling through your call list I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'm a fuck me up a bitch Know that I kept it sexy, and know I kept it fun There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one

Day 8 What thoughts do you think that are toxic? Regret is the one thing that I seem to always let get the best of me. The actually act doesn't bother me much. Its the lesson that eats me up and chews me out. I find that my most toxic thoughts have to do with me some how knowing the outcome of things, being disappointed in myself for no reason at all. This craving for control causes me to beat myself up constantly.  What is the damage of these toxic thoughts? I Think that I am so comfortable being disappointed in myself because it is impossible to control and know everything. This disappointment leads to dark places. There are not many things that can make me more sad than getting stuck in my own head. The toxicity I sometimes feel inside starts to leak into all the things I do and say until it seems like I have my own damn cloud following me. The only way I ever know that I am under cloud is when I start to miss the sun by then I've probably already isolated myself

Day 6 When did you feel truly independent for the first time? My senior year in college Les and I moved off campus into this fucking rinky dink apartment. It was all that I could afford out of pocket by myself for the summer. I didn't get a refund check until September. At that point, my mom absolutely could not afford to give me money while I was away at school. In an attempt to make my life easier in the long run and sacrifice temporarily I convinced Les to go with me into this shack. I think that I didn't explain how much help I wasn't getting to Les properly but she still rolled with the punches. Anyway that summer, I worked at Best Buy 40+ hours a week and barely made ends meet. I lived off of Burger King rodeo burgers and discounted candy from Best Buy. Safe to say that the summer  was terrible and I also went on a break w my long time boyfriend at the time. I was exhausted constantly but happy, alone and on my own. When school started things got a bit easie

Day 5 Is there anything you feel guilty about? Is there anything you need to be forgiven for? I am so selfish these days. I am selfish with my time, my energy, my emotions, my money, my love. Everyone tells me its okay because i am in my twenties but it feels shitty. Im happy and growing and investing all of these things into myself but i am so terrified that my selfishness is going to lead me into shitty personhood. on the other hand Im at peace. I want to be present for those that I love but I also want to continue to mind my damn business. Its a double edged sword. I choose me, ultimately. I also kinda hope i never stop feeling guilty about it. I think it keeps me grounded. I would like to be forgiven by anyone who loved me that i have taken advantage of. Before i found peace i would try and take other people's not knowing that it was something only i could create for myself. I would unknowingly go after their light and their essence by being an over all shitty